Ready to Start Trying
I have always wanted to be a mother. Some children dream of becoming a fire fighter, a doctor, or an actress, but my childhood dream was to become a mother. Having a baby is easily the thing that excites me the most, so naturally I always believed that when the time came to actually have one it would be the happiest time of my life.
The thing is, we all know that expectation is the cause of disappointment, but for whatever reason I never imagined this to be the case for this particular subject. For years, I hyped this moment up in my mind, and now that it is here, I feel paralyzed. Now to be honest and completely fair, I am not a person that easily gets excited over things, so this feeling isn't exactly out of character or new to me. But having a baby truly was the one thing that made me burst with joy, so "disappointed" really doesn't begin to describe how I feel about reaching this milestone while feeling next to no interest in it anymore.
Mitch and I have been talking about kids for quite some time now, and something that was important to him was to have a "timeline" for when we wanted to start trying to conceive, and that we spent our time prior to that preparing for parenthood. We got our finances together, we improved our health, we moved to a bigger home to accommodate a growing family, we read pregnancy and baby books, we watched educational videos, we traveled, we worked hard at our jobs, and we set a date. Well, we have checked off everything on our "prep" list, and our date has come. April 2020 was the month we decided to start trying to conceive our first child. Yet here I am, feeling zero excitement over it.
The thought of having a baby still makes me beyond excited, but the reality of possibly getting pregnant this month makes my head spin. I begin to worry about our finances and how to tell my parents and what they will say (aka, irrational fears), not because those things are not important considerations, but because I know we are financially stable enough to bring a little one into the world, and my parents would be thrilled to be grandparent. On the other hand, the thought of postponing having a baby terrifies me. Infertility is a very common fear, but for me it is an all-consuming thought, every day and every night while I attempt to fall asleep. Further risking missing my fertile window doesn't even feel like an option.
I often wonder if this could be more related to current events rather than internal emotions. Being pregnant during this Covid-19 outbreak does not scare me though. Our lifestyle generally already consists of calm evenings and weekends at home, and now that Mitch and I are both working from home, I don't feel like I would be at high risk of contract anything. We continue to have access to medical services and emergency services. Both our careers are considered essential businesses and are therefore quite stable, giving me some peace of mind that though not guaranteed, our incomes are very likely secure.
And then maybe, this could just be normal. There is far more I don't know about motherhood than what I do know, and for someone who constantly needs control and all the answers before being able to commit to a decision, this new chapter is terrifying. Maybe, this is simply my own journey, and it won't look like the movies where you see couples jumping and crying of joy about a positive pregnancy test (I mean, I have never jumped from joy anyways), and I am okay with that. I recognize I am naturally a very cautious individual and I overthink every aspect of my life, this is no exception. But this does not take away from the fact that our baby will be loved and wanted. All it means its that I need to surrender the version I built up in my mind over the years and learn to embrace and invite what my own journey into motherhood will bring. This is a lesson I will strive to apply to all other aspects of my life.